Skeptomania - Paranormal / UFOs, etc.

chefkathleen

>A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
>
> All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
>
> After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
>
> "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson
>
> "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
>
> "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
>
> You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
>
> "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
>
> "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
>
> "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
>
> "And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
>
> "And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The Fucking Mexican!"

chefkathleen

forgot one. Guess I'm being bad today. Smile

A man walked into a curio shop in Los Angeles. Looking
around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size
bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so
striking that he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze
rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it
back," said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the
rat; And I won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he
noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and
sewers, and began following him down the street. This
was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit
faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind
him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous
look around and saw that the rats numbered in the
thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all
squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the
bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water
after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the
owner, "You're bringing it back !"

"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how
much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there.

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

Mowing and Beer
>
>On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and
>watching my wife mow the lawn.
>
>The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over
>and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
>
>I took a drink from my bottle of Sam Adams, wiped the cold foam from
my
>lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the
>eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
>
>"I am. That's why SHE cuts the grass."

wrmd · :::::::::

So this baby seal walks into a club...

chefkathleen

LMAO at you guys!!

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

> A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the
> wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
> biggest house adjacent to the course.
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
> up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is
> going to cost us."
> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
> voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage
> that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle
> was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
> window?"
> "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm
> a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now
> that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
> you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
> myself."
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted
> out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
> "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do.
> And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd
like
> to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in t
he
> world," she said.
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe
> from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
> "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
> Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
> woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
> wife."
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both
> now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She
mulled
> it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering
> our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
> You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same
for
> you!"
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
> the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
about
> three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly
> into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
> "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
> "No Kidding," he said."Thirty-five years old..... and both of you
still
> believe in genies?"

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter, Deb, says "Cute kids. Are they twins"?
The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7. "Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"Heck no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice

SilverLupin · Redneck Debutante

I got two, from ebaumsworld.com:

Manisms

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

Thegatekeepers

"13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked" unless forced to by females guards between the ages 18-28 and weigh less then their ideal weight; In which case only fight the guards.

Gren · God Of Oreos

Ed was in trouble. Big trouble. He'd forgott his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

"Tomorrow morning," she told him, "I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE, BUSTER".

Early the next morning Ed got up and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough... there was a beautifully wrapped gift sitting in the middle of their driveway. Intrigued and a little confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway to retreive the gift. She took it back inside and anxiously opened it to find a brand new bathroom scale.

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then there was an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed,

"Dad,"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,
with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid telling you. I've
been finding real passion w ith Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you
would not approve of her, because of a nose ring and tattoos, her tight
motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But its not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and we'll have
firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream o f having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes
to the fact that marijuana doesn't really harm you and we are growing it
for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for
all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. I pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Clayton.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things then the report card
that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it's safe for
me to come home.

murphy · Horse Nazi

Very good!!! Laughing

chefkathleen

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "HOLY SHIT!, What a Ride"

enigma · Deputy Dawg

RIDDLE:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed..

On your left side is a valley and on your right side
is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you..

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same
size as your car and you cannot overtake it..

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level..

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
traveling at the same speed as you..

What must you do to safely get out of this situation?
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/

Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round dumbass, you're
drunk..

chefkathleen

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!! )

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".