Skeptomania - Paranormal / UFOs, etc.

Anonymouse · Living impaired

Why did the fruit vendor fire his apple delivery guy?

Because he kept driving him bananas!

Not long ago I entered a pun contest. I entered ten different ones figuring at least one of them would win. But no pun in ten did.

chefkathleen

groan

Skydiver

chefkathleen

Five Kinds Of Sex

1) THE FIRST IS SMURF SEX.
this happends during the honeymoon periods, you both keep doing it untill you're blue in yhe face.

2) THE SECOND IS KITCHEN SEX.
this is at the begining of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) THE THIRD KIND IS BEDROOM SEX.
you've calmed down a bit,perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) THE FOURTH KIND IS HALLWAY SEX.
this is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "FUCK YOU!"

5) THERE IS ALSO A FIFTH KIND OF SEX: COURTROOM SEX.
this is when you get divorced and your spouse screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(Keep on scroling down)

Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.!!!!!!!!!!

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Anonymouse · Living impaired

me too

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

Too funny!

chefkathleen

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
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So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"
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What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
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Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"
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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
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A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
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Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.
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"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
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What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.
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Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!
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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"
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I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

Gren · God Of Oreos

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl
shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She
is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl
is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He
decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch
you, you are mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

wamp100498 · wampuss cat

chefkathleen

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for
a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself
thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "Wow" - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that
tonight was"my lucky night".

I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted
upstairs:

Mom, you still awake?

TheMadHobbit · Subway Tolkien

http://www.fugly.com/videos/1789/monkeybutt.html

enigma · Deputy Dawg

*almost put this in the abortion thread*

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer hoosband.?

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ' Well now, Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Skydiver